Talking about sexual issues with your partner
How to talk to men about sex
Sex therapist, Ian Kerner recommends avoiding confrontational style discussion by expressing "your desires as a positive turn-on rather than a negative turn-off"2. In other words, describe what you'd like him to do, rather than what he's doing wrong.
Kerner also explains that while women naturally prefer eye-to-eye discussions, men find this confrontational, and are more comfortable with side-to-side discussions. So instead of sitting him down to have an emotional heart-to-heart, try having a seemingly spontaneous discussion while enjoying a walk or a drive.
When to discuss your sex life
Bed should be a safe place for both of you, where you can be relaxed, intimate and sensual. So if you don't want to risk drawing the battle lines down the middle of the mattress, it may be best to avoid raising any sexual issues when you're actually in bed.
Given possible sensitivities about body image and sexual performance, you may feel less vulnerable discussing your concerns when you're fully clothed and in a more neutral setting, when you have some private time to talk without being rushed or interrupted by people around you.
Once you've considered how to approach the discussion, how you overcome any sexual issues together will depend on what's worrying you.
If sex is painful for you
Many women experience discomfort during sex at some point, but if it becomes a regular occurrence, it's important to get a health check to make sure there's no physical cause such as an infection or gynaecological disorder, the menopause or post-natal pain.
In most cases, pain during sex is caused by lack of sexual arousal3. As Relate, the UK's largest provider of relationship counselling and sex therapy, explains,
"Many women find that they get caught in a vicious cycle. The pain that they feel, or the fear of pain stops them from becoming sexually aroused. And the lack of arousal, causes the sexual pain. And so it continues."
In this situation, Relate recommends finding ways to relax before you get into bed, then devoting more time to sensual touch before you become sexual.
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